So its about 12 at night, and I've still about half my crap to pack for move-in tomorrow, not to mention RCC Retreat materials to review and edit, and opening up the AACC for KDPhi Retreat tomorrow morning at an ungodly hour - so naturally, I decide to take a xanga break.

I feel like I'm at the cusp of my happiness - this is it, the point in which my stress levels and sleep time shifts and takes a downward plunge, and with it, my satisfaction with where I am. and I may already well be on my way to that point, since the anticipation of the fall is already pulling me down in terrible spirits. Having so much STUFF to worry about is already taking a toll on me, despite an incredibly productive internship retreat, which essentially mapped out every deadline I could possibly have for the entire year. That's a direction I might actually want to take with the rest of my life, actually... Maybe if I get my entire life on a timeline, I'll manage to somehow make the chaos work?

I know things wouldn't be so hard if I didn't always feel like I was tackling it all alone. I know I have my associates, my partnerships and sisters, but in the end I always feel like I have the sole obligation to make sure EVERYTHING is taken care of, by myself. Or maybe its that no matter what I present to other people and how satisfied with the project they are, I refuse to leave it alone until its absolutely PERFECT - and it never is. This incessant need for perfection down to the smallest detail has been driving me up the wall - I need to learn to let some things go and have people pay for shortcomings/mistakes themselves - if there even are any in the first place.

I must remember that academics come first, something I've been neglecting in the past year. The Communications/Psych/Philo combo is no joke, and I cannot tolerate my grades dipping any more than they already have. What's the point of dedicating all my time and strength to all my orgs when they'll do no good to counterbalance my shitty grades when graduation comes?

To the self from two years ago;

Reading back on that particular conversation was such an eye-opener of the long way you've come since then - you were so hurt and insecure, your self-esteem having taken an even greater blow than anything before it, and melodramatic and just a little hysterical in its wake- it really, really fucked you up. The events seemed to be an affirmation of what you feared would happen all along, all evidence pointing to that same conclusion - and to a certain extent, you were right. You're still right. You sounded so weak - it seemed like it took so much out of you to stand up to this one person, for the first time in your life. The following months afterward seemed to only spiral downward, as you made mistake after mistake - finding, in your naivete, forgiveness for others in compromise of your own worth and dignity.  It was a really low point.

But it ends eventually, and you find something so much more worthwhile your time, an experience that opens up the opportunity to leave all that behind you and become better. You're in a better, stronger, much happier place; you've forgotten about the heartbreak, something you'd never thought you'd be able to do. Reading that conversation once again made you shed a few tears, but it was nothing compared to the broken-heartedness you felt so many months ago. The cracks it left in you were mended, iron-wrought and set with the strength you've found through growing up and out of your innocence.

You grow up okay. maybe not in the way you'd planned or wished for, but definitely better than you hoped for.


To my self now -
Bringing up old heartbreaks and remembering your humiliation is just that - a check on your humility and your past. Don't forget what you've been (and cried) through to get to where you are now. Remember the parts you liked about yourself - your acceptance, your willingness to invest time in everyone, not just those deemed important and "worthy". Remain objective and open to people, regardless of prior preconceptions. Don't let yourself get swept up in the "importance" of things, of self-induced superiority - remember that these were the very things you despised about the people around you two years ago. Remember what it is you care about and have passion for - and don't let it out of your sight. For the following months ahead, maintain your focus and composure - you know what your abilities can accomplish, now do it coolly, with control, and with confidence. Do not accept weakness in will from yourself, but be forgiving to others (or they'll hate you for it). Demand the best from other people, but don't let yourself get overheated with your own passions - it can be damaging to your relationships and to your own reputation. Do not expose your weaknesses for everyone to see, 'cause they'll pick up on it before you even notice.

And don't forget to take care of yourself too. You forget that, sometimes.

Talking to an old friend today about death and the young who've gone. It reminds me to never forget to take full advantage of what you've got, right now. I can't afford to waste time regretting or mulling over old questionable decisions and experiences - who can? And to apply it to the here and now - go for what feels right and makes you happy, and extricate what doesn't. Make sure what is precious to me is acknowledged and appreciated. Find the things I want to see happen, and make them happen. Do work. Be ambitious, but don't be a jackass and trip over your feet looking at the sky. Know your faults, because everyone else sure as hell does. I don't wanna die, only to look down on the people I left behind (or up? who knows where I'll end up), and realize all along what a jerk or idiot I've been all along.

Every time I imagine myself dying (which I strangely often do, not in a depressing or suicidal way, god forbid), I imagine a car accident. This may be undeniably tied to Steph (and Hana's, now that I think about it) death(s), but every time I get into the car, I think of what is always a possibility. And surprisingly enough, my first reactions to those thoughts are not panic or depression, but a wonder - what would I think of me? Am I satisfied with who I am to leave that impression behind? Have I corrected all the regrets I could've still salvaged? My answer is a relieving yes - I'm truly satisfied with who I am and what I've accomplished right now, more so than I ever have been before. That is to say, I'm not pretentious enough to believe that I've accomplished everything that I've wanted to in life and been the best person I've been - but I think, to have to die a nineteen-going-on-twenty year old, I've lived a fairly fulfilling life, with people I love and care about and admire around me, with accomplishments I can be proud of.

I think this is one of the first times I've written about how satisfied I am with who and where I am. And I owe it to another good friend... koh ma woh =]

When I first arrived at Rutgers, the first and only thing I approached with complete enthusiasm and confidence was RCC. Encouraged by the 哥哥's I found there whom I had admired and respected so much, it quickly became one of the few sure things I would pursue in my college career; it was, even at one point, a determining factor in my continuation of my pledge process. My perception of this cultural organization was always one of optimism - I saw nothing but growth in the coming years for this fledgling club. My enthusiasm and naivete led me to eventually run for a board position; I saw this not only as a personal goal to achieve, but an opportunity to absorb everything I could from everything it had to offer. Stroke of good fortune and my permeating excitement for RCC proved in favor for me, as I accepted my eboard position and, although greener than anyone else on the board, gladly accepted anything thrown my way.

My experience as of yet in RCC can be well-likened to that of a sponge. As my capacity began quickly expanding, my naivete quickly dissipated and certain recurring problems became glaringly apparent. The only sophomore and easily the youngest on eboard, I worried for the future and direction of the club, and, more importantly, what my role in its steering and directing would be. The months quickly flew by, and although we've had successes as a burgeoning student organization, I already feel swollen with the knowledge of internal struggles, of the frustration I have with an eboard too varied in perceptions and direction, and still as of yet incomplete. I'm filled to capacity with the responsibilities I've imposed on myself, with my attitude towards picking up others' slack and bottling up my frustration towards the other board members. I'm lucky to have a steady partner in this, who accepts my temper and tirades, calmly reevaluates and redefines my energy, and balances my enthusiasm and sometimes-overwhelming expectations with a good dosage of reality.

My perception of RCC has undoubtedly changed, but my determination to carry on the same enthusiasm and indomitable spirit that my 哥哥's implemented in me has only risen with the challenges.

Besides, I've never been one to back down from a challenge. =]

#44 Hana "H2O" Lee
'Zuberant Zeta

Although i was not particularly close to her, she was an older sister that I'd always admired and respected. As one of the first sisters to pledge my class, her words and persona were the first of the alumnae sisters that I'd heard, and had left an incredibly deep impression on both me and my demeanor towards my pledge process. Beautiful, well-spoken, and respected, she represented one of the sisters that I would aspire to be like, and i would never forget her name and what she represented to me.

It isn't fair that the good die so young.

Rest in peace, unnie.

3/14/09